Consent
Consent in All Spaces is a mechanism we can use to focus on how we would want to be treated in any given situation. We know that being forced to do anything is uncomfortable, and when it comes to sexual encounters there is a high tendency for people to abuse their position in the exchange of pleasure. This is not only a crime, but a tendency high enough that 1 in 4 people Assigned Female At Birth, or represent femininity, are sexually abused before the age of 18. This is not to take away from the ways that males are alos victims of sexual asssault.
Talking about consent is important and there are plently of ways to make is a sexy experience. We should always discuss our sexual preferences in terms of sexual acts, before we engage in sexual acts with someone new. It's important to discuss STD/STI status and make sure that this is a person you are comfortable with. Continuous consent is also important, and if you aren't feeling a situaiton don't feel compelled to continue. Make sure to have good communication with the people you are engaging with, this can be even in non-sexual spaces. Consent can revolve around many different areas in life such as, medical procedures, touching (hugging/kissing), discussion of personal information or triggering information, etc.
Why do we obtain consent?
There are many reasons we obtain consent from other's, and when it comes to the ways we communicate that there are a few things to know. We all have our own unique history, and sometimes that history has trauma. It is not someone else's job to inform you of the trauma they have endured in the past. If they do communicate that with you, then make sure you are asking how you can avoid retraumatization and other ways to avoid the feelings of trauma. When it comes to sexual activity and other more personal matters these communicated boundaries or understandings, are even more important and vital to keep aware of. No one wants to make the people they care about or are interested in, feel uncomfortable around them. However, not all of us are the best at communication due to the years of inhibition we've endured when it comes to open communication. Knowing that not all of us are good at communication is part of having good communication. We are not always up for deep communication, and sometimes we have trouble paying attention. We can accept our faults and others as normal pieces of human communication. Sometimes lack-of-communication can be a way of communication in itself.
Regardless, the effort that we choose to put into the way we communicate, is going the effect the way our relationships function, and following consent rules is a perfect way to get comfortable with this notion. Understanding properties of consent, can open our minds to the reasons that following other's boundaries are important.
Touching of Any Kind
Whenever we are even considering the touching of someone else, we should always ask them first. Hugging, kissing, physical touch in general can cause deep uncomfort for some people. It's our job to be mindful about the ways we approach one another, even when we are happy and excited to see them. This also applies to sexual activity, and other activities of that nature.
Touching someone without their consent is always considered abuse or battery. Please always apologize for bumping or running into others in public spaces. There are areas where personal space may be constricted and we have to do our best to plan for our needs in these environments.
Medical Procedures
Medical Procedures and Information are directly protected by HIPPA, so that medical data can not be illegally shared with people. Whenever you are involved in a medical situation make sure you take medical privacy seriously no matter who it is.
In recent years with Roe v. Wade's overturn we have seen a change in the principle for medical privacy, as legislation and courts are attempting to follow medical records to an abortion charge and therefore a murdere charge.
Please be cautious who you share your medical information with and on what platforms, as they are not required to keep that data private.
Sexual Acts
Sexual Acts of any kind should always obtain consent before, during, and after, the sexual act has taken place. We want to make sure we are doing what we can to support and care for those we have sexual relationships with. It is not appropriate to assume consent starts with anything qualitative such as clohting, body type, looks, etc. There is no vaild reason to not keep consent on your mind during sexual activities, especially with multiple partners.
Possibly Triggering Information
Whenever we are discussing triggering topics such as: sexual assualt, gun violence, police violence, racist violence, sexist violence, abortion & misscarriage, infertility, suicide & self-harm, and many more. Triggering topics can be specific and unknown by you, so if somone communicates a triggering topic, then its your job going forward to avoid that topic with that person.
Entering Someone's Personal Space
When entering someone's home, personal space, or you plan to bring other's into a shared space you have with someone else, we need to obtain consent from those other members first. We should always check to make sure we are not intruding on someone's personal space and what they need in their safe space. Sometimes we come over at the wrong times, so it's our job to try and communicate that first. Of course in an emergency situation do whatever it takes to prevent harm of the people involved.
Involving Potentially Harmful Systems
If you plan to involve the police or any other government institution into a situation. As long as it is not an emergency, please let the people around you know incase they would rather not be present. Knowing how police and people or power use social systems to kill and harm individuals, we have to be conscious of the implications we create by involving them.
IF IT IS AN EMERGENCY THIS MAY NOT APPLY.
Non-Formal or Necessary Communication
If your communication with a person you are not familiar with, is not necessary or formal, you should always ask if they have time to discuss your needs. It is not someone else's responsibility to always be mentally fit for unnecessary communication. Especially in public those who face social anxiety, may have trouble communicating causally in public based on other's needs. Give all people, time to respond and form a complete thought to respond with, this may be different for everyone.
If you are in an Emergency situation obviously notify all of those around you.
Touching of pets, children, etc.
We never want to go up to a person with a pet or child, and attempt to interact with them without consent of the adult present. Regardless of the situation you should never be touching or interacting with minors or pets who you do not know, unless you are in an emergency situation.
If you see a child or pet alone in public, please call 911, and do what you can to secure them until police arrive.
Discussion of Someone Else's Information
It is never our place to discuss other people's personal information especially in relation to sexual relationships, employment, medical information, etc.
Unless someone is in danger please never share someone's personal life with those they have not asked you to share it with.
If you know someone is in danger do NOT withhold that information and contact authorities: 911.
Types of Obtainable Consent:
Verbally Asking
Verbally asking for consent is going to be the clearest understanding that you can have. Remind yourself that you can have language barriers that may inhibit perfect verbal communication to obtain consent. It's important that we are open minded to people changing their minds about how they feel. We should always be held accountable for the actions we do against someone's verbal request.
Body Language
Body language during communication and sexual activity are some ways that we can continue consenting. Body language in a conversation or during an activity is what allows us to know how each other is feeling without being verbally explicit. This can be done through verbal sounds as well, but there are many ways that we can show our consent for certain activities in our body language.
Please note that body language is not sufficient consent when you are thinking about engaging in sexual activity. You need continuous consent communicated.
Written Consent
Written consent is typically required for medical procedures and times when you are unable to give continuous verbal consent. When we are signing written consent letters we have to read carefully and make sure that we agree with the standards put in the agreement.
Please note that written consent is not sufficient consent when you are thinking about engaging in sexual activity. You need continuous consent communicated.
Setting Boundaries
When setting boundaries with others we want to do our best to be straight forward and communicate what we need and how we need it done. It's important to know that when boundaries are not effectively communicated, other's may not know how to properly respond.
We have opportunities to teach our communities the importance of boundaries, personal space, and privacy. Which is vital to a socially sustainable community, too often we don't interact with eachother from fear of offending others. By taking an approach to boundary setting as a normal part of any stable relationship, can help us feel more stable in our decisions and relationships.
Respecting Boundaries
When it comes to respecting other's boundaries it is typically pretty easy. There are not many boundaries that are hard for us to live up to when it comes to social respect; however, many people in our society still choose too. If you feel offended or upset about the way other's communication of boundaries has gone, than it may be time to see if you allow yourself to set boundaries with others. Often we are unable to make healthy boundaries with ourselves, and we believe they are not worth respecting. Once we realize the ways other's respect themselves based on their relationship with boundary setting; we can start to understand the power we have by who we allow in our life.
Identifying Predatory Behavior From Others
We all know that there are people out there who are predatory to others. Whether its based on their personal preferences, political issues, mental illness, obscene ideations and/or other reasons. Predators are predators, they don't belong to a group and therefore they can be hard to identify. All communities experience predators that use tactics such as: manipulation, abuse, sexual assault, domestic violence, coercion, gaslighting, threatening, grooming, etc. These tactics can be hard to identify early on, and can be easily overlooked in desperation or needs to connect with others. A lot of predators get close to people through navigating conversations into specific areas such as sexual enuendos, violence, and hate. This can be expressed in many ways and it can be difficult to identify even when deeply involved.
Everyone needs to be aware of the countless non-profit organizations they can use/donate to when it comes to domestic violence, parental instability, and housing instability. Of course this may seem off topic, but many predators use words and conversation to do a lot of the manipulation which can lead to horrific outcomes when unrecognized.
We also acknowlegde, that often domestic violence can be very difficult, love and relationships can not be quantified into words when their trust is broken. We hope to bring awareness to violence in conversations to hopefully acknowlegde these issues earlier on in relationships or conversation.
Being Conscious of the Behavior we Show Others
As a community, it's really important that we talk about how we have failed and suceeded in when it comes to communication. We all have made common mistakes that leave others hurt or confused. We can be more direct and honest about how we feel or want from each other. Not all of us find this easy because of the way we respond to honesty as a community. Sometimes being who you are, both honestly and opennly, can seem very scary because people don't always accept it.
The things that make us inherently human, are sometimes the things that scare us the most. But allowing people to know that we are all in a boat together experiencing likeness realities is important to give recognition and representation to those things that we as a species choose to avoid discussion.
Making sure the impact you have on the people around you is positive is vital. This doesn't mean you are nice to everyone all the time, but that we hold people and ourselves accountable for their actions in a way that helps them understand their misdoing.
It is important for us to take into account what we don't know in a conversation as mentioned above, because having patience and care for any conversation is important. You have no idea what place the person you are talking to is in, its our job to learn the skill of not assuming.